some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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