I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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