I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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