Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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