my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
