Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
