Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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