Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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