How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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