Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
