just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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