After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
