You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
