dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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