Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
