mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
