I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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