FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
