can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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