I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I checked into jail on foursquare
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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