He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
