Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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