life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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