So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I've blown a few things in my day
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
