Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize