Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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