I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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