She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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