Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
