My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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