On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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