Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
