What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
