Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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