I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
