i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
