I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
