I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
