Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
