party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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