you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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