cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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