you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
this is an emotional support booty call
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
