Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
