If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
