so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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