my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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