Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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