It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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