Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
