Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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