I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
