i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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