he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
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