my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Randomize
