dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
