Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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