i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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