he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
