i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
