My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
